100 Secret to Great Relationships Part 2

No two people can live together in the most intimate romantic relationship without resenting each other. Understanding is required since where love is blocked; anger becomes hate. Some sacrifices have to be made. Love is self-fulfillment and self-discovery through each other. It grows with time, and the experiences that you go through life together will guide you both to the revelation of how to love better.

Now we continue to dive into the next 50 pointers to happy and fulfilling relationships by David Niven, Ph.D. in his book 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships.

Next 50 of the 100 Secrets of Great Relationships

51. Develop A Healthy Calm

Be slow to anger. Stay calm.

52. Think Of Your Own Ideal

We have our own ideals. It’s good to have them, but we have to think of what really matters.

53. Stay Flexible

Let us be flexible in anything and everything, especially our thinking. Do not be stubborn and rigid, compromise.

54. Think About Potential

I love the word potential because it has so much promise. In a relationship, what is important is our ability to see the potential for everything. Whatever comes, there is always a potential solution for it.

55. Even In A Relationship, You Are Still An Individual

The strongest relationship is where both partners support each other’s dreams and individuality. They both thrive, be the persons that they want to be, and not at the expense of the other. They are committed to each other’s independence and equality.

56. Rest Up–This is Going To Take Some Effort

Time spent together can only be appreciated if you are calm and rested. Exhaustion makes us more emotional and easily conflicted about things.

57. Like The Way, You Look

Healthy habits and positive thoughts result in right body image leading to self-confidence which is vital in a relationship

58. Don’t Romanticize The Past

It is inevitable during relationship conversations with a family that it goes to,” in the past, life was simpler, families were stronger…”

The relationships in the past had their own unique struggles, and so it is now. While we do face a different kind of challenge, there are also opportunities and the freedom that may not have existed in the past. Our relationships and the way we handle them have evolved because our time period is different. So it’s ok to look to the past, know, and learn but also acknowledge that times have changed and ever-changing.

59. Share The Praise And Share In The Blame

For a happy relationship, be gracious to accept blame and be generous in sharing credit. Say, “I”m sorry” and “Thank you.”

60. You Can’t Find Without Looking

One can leave it to chance and serendipity to meet someone, or we can be more active about it. In a study, among those who have used a personal dating service, 73 percent of the users said the best feature of the service was that it exposed them to people they would never have met otherwise.

61. Meaningful Commitment Is Mutual Commitment

A relationship requires mutual effort from two people. One’s effort alone cannot make for a healthy or satisfying relationship.

62. Friendships Predict Relationships

Communication and selflessness is a good basis for close friendships as in relationships. Strong social skills and the ability to maintain long-term friendships are good predictors of future relationships.

63. Prepare For Milestones

Birth, death, loss of a loved one, career change, children leaving home are just some of the milestones that inspire reflection. These milestones make us look deep into ourselves and where we are at this stage in our life. But we should not make decisions during these times of significant disruption. Instead, let us reflect on our life whether there is a milestone or not. Decisions made amidst the calm and not from the emotion of pain.

64. Don’t Bring Your Job Home With You

When the workday is over, stop working and thinking about work.

65. We Assume Similar Preferences

It is easy to assume that your partner would have the same preferences as you, but we must be careful to consider others’ choices and see things from the other’s perspectives. Ask, don’t assume.

66. Don’t Let Secrets Eat You Up

The burden of a secret weighs on us more than if we had told the truth. The truth hurts once, while dishonesty will hurt you, the relationship, and other people because of the deception. Honesty is still the best policy.

67. To Find A Better Way, Look Where You’ve Been

We tend to be creatures of habit. We repeat the same behavior often without thinking. So we need to make an effort to think about what we are doing in our relationships. We need to reflect and recognize our habits that can be harmful to our relationships and work on them.

68. Money Matters Less Over Time

Money plays a significant part in a relationship. But over time, it does not predict a relationship’s success or failure because the thing that will sustain the relationship that will give meaning to our lives and our love has nothing to do with money.

69. Recognize The Value Of Shared Values

According to David Niven, Ph. D, “Our core values were formed a long time ago and will likely be there for the rest of our lives. The same is true for the other part of a relationship. Given that neither is likely to change our core beliefs, it helps if these beliefs are compatible. Strong relationships depend on trust and communication. Trust and communication are fostered by shared values. When you have similar beliefs, it feels safer and more rewarding to share our thoughts and feelings.”

70. Understand What You’re Looking For

We must understand who we are, our personality. We make our choices based on what we need from a relationship.

71. Never Let Faults Stand For The Whole

People in long-term relationships do not dwell on the other person’s faults. They instead focus on the good traits of the partner. They understand that people are complex beings with both positive and negative qualities, but what stands out are the good traits and even the redeeming qualities even in the faults. They see differences as a source of strength.

72. You’ll Need Some Relationship Friends

Before the relationship, we had our own personal friends. But also, we should also try to form some relationship friends. Relationship friends are other couples with common interests who can relate with you and your partner. They help emphasize the significance of our relationship. Also, having them gives us opportunities for fun and healthy activities that you can all do together.

73. Don’t Wait To Start Moving In The Right Direction

When we are a relationship, we continue to make our personal life as fulfilling as you want. The relationship should not hinder us but inspire us. And if something is not working, be proactive. No self-blame.

74. Music Can Bring Us Together

Incorporate music into your relationship. Music eases tension, relaxes the mind. Enjoy music together.

75. Define What You Need

It is important to think and identify what we need from our relationship so it can guide our goals and decisions.

76. Show You Care, Even When It’s Hard To

Couples will disagree and have conflicts, but it is in the middle of these difficulties that we show what matters most to us and our relationship. A conflict can be a way to illustrate commitment, love, and understanding. It is a way to show the strength, not the weakness of the relationship.

77. Make Your Decisions For Positive Reasons

We must try to make decisions based on getting what we want, not avoiding what we don’t want. In a study by Roloff of those whose relationships that had faced feelings of betrayal or serious disappointment, people who continued a relationship for negative reasons (fear of losing their relationship) were overwhelmingly unsatisfied with their relationship (61 percent) or had discontinued their relationship (24 percent) six months later.

78. A Relationship Is Built On A Foundation Of Support

If we believe that our partner supports us, our relationship has a strong foundation. In the face of any disagreements, any difficulties, they will not matter because you have mutual support. Both need to see the value of the support they have for each other and hold on to these during tough times.

79. The Pieces Of Your Life Must Fit Together

Our career and our relationship are two crucial aspects that come together to make our life. Let us work on making them compatible, and that would fit and complement our life.

80. Master Your Fears

To overcome our fear, we should not care about winning everyone else’s approval. Cast aside the fear of disapproval and the need to be perfect. I should know that people who react positively to the real me are the people I want to keep. Acknowledge the fear and doubt, but do not let them dictate our actions. Use positive visualization.

81. We Are All Much More Alike Than Different

Let us not focus on our differences but our similarities.

82. Limit Your Interest In The Past

Previous relationships are in the past. Let them stay in the past. More than two in five people report that jealousy over a former relationship is a conflict in their current relationship.

83. Get Your Reality From Reality

The media can present unrealistic views on love and relationships. So instead of looking to media, spend time with your partner, go out, talk, discover each other.

84. You Are Never Too Old To Find Love

The need for human companionship does not disappear over time. Neither does our ability to find joy in a relationship fades over time. Do not give up on having a relationship because you think you have run out of time. Never give up, because no one is never too old. Loving and being loved is the greatest gift in this life, and it can happen anytime.

85. We Look Inward To See How People Feel About Us

The indicator of the health of a good relationship is self-esteem or self-love. Love thyself. According to Murray, et al., “people with low self-esteem devalued the degree to which other people saw them positively regardless of the strength of their relationships or the numbers of friends they had.”

86. Be Willing To Evolve

For a relationship to survive and thrive, it requires that both be willing to evolve. We are adapting our life to reflect our commitment to the relationship. Avoid rigid thinking. Put ourselves in our partner’s shoes and learn. We will evolve in ways that can only strengthen our relationship. Uncover each other’s passion and live an integrated life.

87. Connect, See You’re Capable, And Know You Count

David Niven said, “Each of us has a few core needs that must be met if we are going to fit into human society. We must see that we are connected to others–that we are not alone and that our decency is unshakable. We must see that we are capable of accomplishing important goals and contributing to the lives of those around us. We must see that we count– that we matter in the grand scheme of things. Each of these beliefs is central to being able to have a and maintain a relationship.”

88. Reliability Counts A Lot

Say what we mean, and do what we say we are going to do. Be reliable. Be dependable. Be conscientious.

89. You Are Complete By Yourself

Believe in our self–regardless of our current circumstances–and we are complete!

Abrams said, “Loneliness stems from a void within ourselves, a sense of feeling incomplete and unfulfilled even when we have many loving people in our lives. To feel complete, we need to nurture a strong connection with our inner selves. Then we can more fully connect with others and find their company rewarding.”

90. Intensity Fades

“As the loss of illusion sets in, we become bored. Our inclination to sacrifice for the other is reduced, and we wind up engaging in negative behavior we would not even consider with a new person in our lives. We have unmatched opportunities to cause grief in a relationship, and we have to work even harder over time to see that we don’t take up those opportunities. We need to work to rediscover our relationship, to rediscover the joy. Then we can capture the feelings of newness, of beginning again,” explains Professor Raines.

91. Beware Second Opinions

We often get a second opinion from people we trust when an important decision such as relationships decision have to be made. But the problem is. First, nobody else can evaluate what we truly need and value in our personal lives. Second, people are less optimistic about other people’s relationships than their own and would see the negative more. So ultimately, we have to decide our self. Listen to me.

92. Have Faith But Don’t Forget Reality

Be optimistic, have faith, and believe in your partner, but know that you both have to work to make the relationship what you want it to be. Do not fall for the trap of unrealistic expectations. The marriage vows should include, ” I agree to disagree with you for the rest of my life. You will be the person I will discuss, argue, and work things out for the rest of my life.”

93. Pay Attention

The failure to communicate is the number one problem in a relationship. It has a simple solution–PAY ATTENTION! We can only understand our partner’s point of view if we pay attention to them.

94. Nice People Don’t Finish Last

The quality of being friendly and kind is still most highly valued in potential partners.

95. Relationships Are Like Modern Art

The kind of relationship you build depends on how you look at it and what you are looking for. You make and create your unique relationship for you and your partner.

96. It’s Not Easy, Even If It Looks It

Everyone struggles through finding and maintaining their relationship. Yes, it needs dedication, devotion, and willingness to work from both partners. It requires the attitude of not sweating the small stuff.

97. Most People Are Looking For Experienced Rookies

Everybody has a past. Accept your past and figure out how to relate your past in a truthful and nonthreatening way.

98. It’s For You–Or It Isn’t

When and whether we do something is for us alone to decide. Do not live your life seeking acceptance from others.

99. See The Horizon, Watch Your Step

“Relationships are built on long-term values and short-term actions. You need to see the long-term goals and needs that your relationship will fulfill. This long-term perspective will give your relationship value to you in the moment, which is where you need to demonstrate, on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis, your dedication to a healthy relationship. As is the case with anything you want in life, you need to see the long-term hope and the short-term need.” – David Niven

100. The Search For Perfection Is Endless

Our relationship should contribute to our lives and the life of your partner. It is about two people with similarities and differences and strengths and weaknesses.

In A Nutshell

Love is an emotional response in recognition of the truth about another person.

But first, we must grow into the person we were meant to be; then we find and get to know the other person we want to relate to, and then we live life together with that person. A great relationship is not just finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person. 

 

Source

Niven, D.100 (2006). Simple Secrets of Great Relationships. First Edition. HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY