30 Key Points to Remember When Dealing with Difficult People

Whether you are an employee or you are a business owner. You will encounter difficult people. It can be aggravating, frustrating, and contribute to a stressful day at work. We’ve all been there, trying to stay calm when the other person becomes unreasonable, start raising their voice or yell. Sometimes, we need to ignore the behavior, not take it personally, and deescalate the situation.

Here are some strategies that we can use to help us deescalate any problematic situation. And some pointers to keep in mind when dealing with difficult people.

Pointers in Dealing with Difficult People

1. Listen more effectively. Listening is the number one tool in communication, especially when dealing with difficult people.

2. Step back and analyze the situation from an outside perspective. Whether dealing with a demanding boss, dealing with a difficult co-worker, or spouse, when we are less emotionally involved and deliberately stay calm, the answers come for how to deal with them effectively. Don’t judge. Show empathy.

3. Ignoring doesn’t work. The tension becomes so thick you can cut it with a knife. Apologize, it can go a long way toward diffusing many challenging situations.

4. Choose your battles. There are times when you have to “let it go.” Know when to speak up and when to pick your battles.

5. Criticize in person, praise in public. Never publicly criticize someone as you will look like the bad guy, and the difficult person will only become more upset.

6. Maintain respect–even if you disagree or dislike them. At least acknowledge what they say. Think about how you would want to be treated.

7. Seek first to understand then to be understood. Instead of saying. “I understand,” say, “Tell me more so I can understand you better.”

8. People often won’t care what you think unless they think you care. At least attempt to see it from their perspective.

9. Maintain high expectations and standards if you are managing this employee. If you don’t do this, you will be seen as enabling their unacceptable behavior.

10. Strive for more exceptional communication. Often, it’s not that there isn’t enough communication, it’s that its lousy communication. Work on improving your conflict resolution skills. If you are a manager, consider training everyone in conflict resolution skills. One of the main reasons teams fail is that some of the team members don’t like each other or aren’t skilled in handling conflict effectively.

11. Invest in communication skills courses and conflict resolution skills courses to improve the part you can control–YOU!

12. Don’t lose emotional control. Antagonists and “passive-aggressive” will often try to push your buttons. Don’t be defensive.

13. Avoid being around difficult people when they’re in a bad mood. If they’re always in a bad mood, try being around them when they are in a “better” mood!

14. Accept, change, or reject. Know that ultimately you only have three choices:

•  Accept the situation, knowing it won’t change,
• Attempt to change your relationship with them by changing how you react,
• If it’s affecting you’re well being, it may be time to “reject” the situation and move on.

15. No “but’s” allowed! Don’t follow giving them positive reinforcement with, “But on the other hand…” The word “but” only negates everything positive you just said.

16. Non-verbally position yourself at their eye level. For example, if they are sitting when you talk with them, sit. If they are standing, stand. Converse at their level.

17. Avoid the word “need” when possible, and use “want” instead. Saying politely and tactfully, “John, I want to have the project into me by noon so that we’ll meet our deadline. “Want” is more assertive as long as it’s in the right tone.

18. Watch your tone of voice. Avoid an autocratic or sarcastic tone. The Latin root of the word “sarcasm” is “Sarco” meaning tearing of the flesh!

19. In face-to-face communication, words account for only 7% of what people notice and believe about you. The tone is 38%, and body language 55%. So a full 93% is tone and body language. Beware of your facial expressions.

20. Keep your distance. Give them their space. Once you are perceived as being in their face, they may become defensive and lash out. Avoid touch, as it might be misinterpreted.

21. Give sincere, positive reinforcement when they do something well. Show genuine appreciation. Often difficult people are difficult because they feel unappreciated.

22. Avoid absolutes such as, “You always” and “You never.” It puts people further on the defensive.

23. Don’t take it personally. Often they’re difficult because of something going on with them.

24. Watch your mental state. Don’t let them drag you down. A little of that can be normal, but don’t allow it to go on.

25. Remember the person who continually angers you, or constantly intimidates you, controls you. Don’t return anger with anger. Use a low, calm, even a monotone voice. Don’t try to talk over the person. Wait until the person takes a breath and then speak.

26. Mutually agree to move on. Agree to disagree. If this isn’t possible, at least “move on” in your mind.

27. Attempt to understand what’s driving that difficult behavior. Get at the root cause, even if you only try to figure it out in your own mind.

28. E + R = O. Event + Reaction = Outcome. You can’t control the event, but you can control the outcome based on how you react or respond. Be careful how you respond. This is just another moment in your day. This too shall pass. Stay calm, if it gets to be so overwhelming, maybe its time to walk away and let somebody else help you deal with the situation.

29. Ask permission to seek your supervisor’s assistance if the situation seems to be getting over your head. Sometimes just a change or a break can diffuse the situation.

30. Offer a way to end the situation. You can say, “What can I do to help you on my end?”

Perspective is Key

When dealing with difficult people in difficult situations, it’s easy to go on a defensive and argue. But this will only escalate a bad situation and make it worse. So we have to be calm and make a deliberate decision to listen and look at the situation from the other’s points of view. Once we do that, everything else will follow.

Also, one thing I have learned working in my profession is not to take things personally. When people work in stressful situations, their energies are high, their adrenaline is pumping, and people can appear rude and uncaring. So we give each other a break. As they say, ” Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

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